One thing I really grew in this week was my college essay. When Ashley gave these back to us, I was really proud of everything... except the hook. I knew that if I was going to be sending this essay to all of my colleges, I needed to really pull them in with my hook. I also refined a few sentences to make the reader more engaged to what I was seeing and feeling. Here are a few examples of refinements I made:
It was my first morning in Moab, Utah. (original)
I settled in to my perfectly shaped seat in the sedimentary rock, as if it were sculpted just me for me. (new)
Here is an example when I refined phrases to make them more concise and clear:
With no intention at all of waking this early, the clock read 6:25 as I rolled over. I was careful not to wake my tent mates with the shuffling of my sleeping bag and the rustling sounds of searching for warm clothes to face the cold Moab morning. When I unzipped the tent, I was hit with a 30-degree wind howling in from the desert.
Though I had no intention of waking so early, the clock read 6:25 as I first rolled over. Careful not to wake my tent mates with the rustling sounds of searching for warm clothes, I unzipped the tent and shivered as a 30-degree wind howled in from the desert.
Although I am really proud of the countless hours I spent on this essay to make it something I am extremely proud of, there are times when I turn in writing assignments without much refinement. I would like to improve in this way especially. In the past I have relied on my writing ability and told myself that I don't need to refine after one or two drafts. I say that it's "good enough". When I turned in the final draft of my college essay, it made me much more happy and confident in my work. I would like to continue this for every piece of writing.